Good Enough Parenting: Why Perfection Isn’t the Goal

In a world saturated with parenting books, online forums, and social media influencers, it’s easy to feel the pressure to be the perfect parent. But what if being “good enough” is not only acceptable, but actually healthier for your child’s emotional development?

The term “good enough parenting” was introduced by British paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott in the mid-20th century. His key insight was that children do not need perfect parents. In fact, striving for perfection can be counterproductive. What children truly need are caregivers who provide consistent, responsive, and emotionally available support, enough to foster a secure environment where they can explore, fail, and grow.

The Roots of “Good Enough”

Winnicott observed that when mothers (and later, by extension, all caregivers) attuned to their babies’ needs without trying to eliminate every frustration, the child gradually developed resilience and a sense of self. Over time, these small, manageable frustrations helped the child understand that the world is not always perfectly responsive, and that this is survivable.

This idea laid the foundation for much of what we now understand through attachment theory, developed further by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. Secure attachment, formed when a caregiver is reliably attuned, but not necessarily flawless, helps children regulate their emotions, build trust in others, and explore their environments confidently.

In contrast, anxious or avoidant attachment styles often stem from inconsistent or emotionally unavailable parenting. However, it’s worth noting that “inconsistent” doesn’t mean every mistake is damaging. What matters is the overall pattern. Occasional misattunements, if repaired thoughtfully, can even strengthen attachment by modelling resilience and communication.

CBT: The Parent as a Mirror

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)—a widely used psychological approach—highlights the role of core beliefs developed in childhood. These beliefs, such as “I’m not good enough” or “I must be perfect to be loved,” often trace back to how children interpreted early experiences with their caregivers.

Good enough parenting helps buffer children from the development of overly rigid or negative core beliefs. For example, a parent who acknowledges a child’s disappointment while gently challenging catastrophic thinking ("It’s okay to feel upset that your friend didn’t invite you, but it doesn’t mean you’re unlovable") models balanced thinking. Over time, the child internalises this approach, learning to self-regulate and reframe distressing thoughts.

Moreover, CBT-informed parenting encourages consistent boundaries and routines—two things that help children feel secure and reduce behavioural issues. It’s not about eliminating all negative emotions, but helping children name, understand, and cope with them.

DBT: Emotional Regulation for Everyone

Where CBT focuses on thoughts and behaviours, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT)—developed by Marsha Linehan—emphasises the balance between acceptance and change, particularly around emotions. Originally developed for adults with intense emotional experiences, DBT’s skills have increasingly been adapted for parenting and young people.

One core DBT concept is validation—the idea that emotions are real, even if they don’t always lead to helpful behaviours. Good enough parents validate their children’s feelings without necessarily giving in to demands. For example: “I see that you're angry I said no to more screen time. It makes sense to feel upset when you want something and can’t have it. But the limit still stands.”

This kind of parenting models emotional literacy and boundary-setting in tandem. It also encourages the development of distress tolerance—a key DBT skill. When children experience disappointment or frustration, and see it managed calmly by their caregiver, they learn that difficult emotions can be endured and survived.

Striving for “Good Enough”

So what does good enough parenting look like in daily life?

• You lose your temper, then apologise and reconnect.

• You forget an event, but follow up and listen to how your child feels.

• You say no, and stand firm, even if it leads to a tantrum.

• You say yes, sometimes, just because joy matters too.

In short, it’s not about being perfect; it’s about being present, reflective, and responsive most of the time.

By embracing good enough parenting, you give your child the invaluable gift of a real human relationship—one that teaches emotional resilience, secure attachment, and healthy ways of thinking. And you give yourself permission to be human too.