Parent Regulation: Supporting Ourselves to Support Our Children

Parenting is often described as one of the most rewarding experiences in life – but also one of the most challenging. Every parent knows the moments when emotions run high: a toddler’s meltdown in the supermarket, a teenager slamming doors after a heated argument, or the everyday exhaustion of juggling responsibilities. In these moments, how a parent regulates their own emotions can make the difference between escalation and calm connection.

This is where the concept of parent regulation comes in.

What is Parent Regulation?

Parent regulation refers to a caregiver’s ability to notice, manage, and respond to their own emotional states, particularly during moments of stress. Children, especially younger ones, borrow their sense of calm and safety from their parents. When we regulate ourselves, we not only model healthy coping strategies but also create a secure environment in which our children can learn to regulate their own emotions.

It is important to note that self-regulation does not mean suppressing feelings. Rather, it is about recognising emotions, pausing before reacting, and choosing responses aligned with our values as parents.

How CBT Can Help Parents Regulate

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is grounded in the idea that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours are interconnected. For parents, this approach can be incredibly useful.

• Identifying unhelpful thoughts: For example, a parent might think, “I’m failing because my child is misbehaving,” which can fuel guilt and frustration. CBT encourages challenging this thought and reframing it into something more balanced, such as, “All children test boundaries – this is an opportunity to guide, not a sign of failure.”

• Breaking the cycle: When stress triggers negative thoughts, we may act in ways that escalate conflict (e.g., shouting, withdrawing). CBT helps parents break these patterns by choosing healthier behavioural responses – such as taking a breath, using calm but firm language, or stepping away briefly before re-engaging.

  
  

In essence, CBT equips parents with tools to reframe thinking and interrupt cycles that lead to dysregulation.

The Role of DBT in Parent Regulation

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) offers additional strategies particularly useful for managing intense emotions. Originally designed for people with difficulties regulating strong feelings, DBT skills have since been applied to parenting with great success.

Some of the most helpful DBT techniques for parents include:

• Mindfulness: Staying present in the moment helps parents avoid spiralling into worries about the past (“I always lose my temper”) or future (“What if I can’t handle this again?”). Mindfulness allows for a pause before reacting.

• Distress tolerance: Parenting inevitably involves stressful moments. DBT encourages skills such as self-soothing, distraction, and grounding techniques, which help parents manage the intensity of their emotions without lashing out.

• Emotion regulation: DBT provides strategies for understanding emotions, reducing vulnerability to extreme emotional states (e.g., through sleep, nutrition, and exercise), and responding in ways that are constructive rather than impulsive.

• Interpersonal effectiveness: Parents often need to balance firmness with warmth. DBT’s communication strategies help set boundaries while maintaining connection, a vital skill in both co-parenting and parent-child relationships.

Bringing It All Together

Parent regulation is not about perfection – it is about progress and awareness. By drawing on techniques from CBT and DBT, parents can strengthen their ability to pause, reflect, and respond in a way that fosters connection rather than conflict.

When parents regulate themselves, they send a powerful message: “Big feelings are manageable, and we can get through this together.” This lays the foundation for children to develop their own emotional regulation, resilience, and empathy.

Parenting will always bring challenges, but with the right tools, those challenges can become opportunities for growth – both for children and for the parents guiding them.