People-Pleasing: Why We Do It and How to Break Free

Do you often find yourself saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”? Do you feel anxious at the thought of someone being disappointed with you? You’re not alone. People-pleasing is a common pattern rooted in deep psychological mechanisms, and while it can make us seem kind and cooperative, it can also erode our self-esteem, boundaries, and overall wellbeing.

In this blog, we’ll explore the roots of people-pleasing through the lens of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Attachment Theory, and offer practical steps to begin letting go of this exhausting habit.

What Is People-Pleasing?

People-pleasing refers to a pattern of prioritising others’ needs, opinions, and emotions at the expense of one’s own. It often stems from a desire to avoid conflict, gain approval, or feel secure in relationships. While helping others is not inherently bad, constantly doing so out of fear or anxiety can lead to resentment, burnout, and a loss of identity.

Where Does It Come From?

1. Attachment Theory: The Roots in Childhood

Attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby, suggests that our early relationships with caregivers shape how we relate to others in adulthood. If a child grows up with inconsistent, neglectful, or overly critical parenting, they may internalise the belief that love and acceptance are conditional.

This often leads to anxious attachment, where the individual becomes hyper-vigilant to the emotional states of others, fearing rejection or abandonment. People-pleasing, in this context, is a survival strategy—if I keep you happy, maybe you won’t leave.

2. CBT: The Role of Core Beliefs and Thinking Patterns

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy offers another perspective. From a CBT standpoint, people-pleasing is driven by core beliefs such as:

• “I must be liked to be worthwhile.”

• “If someone is upset with me, I’ve done something wrong.”

• “Others’ needs are more important than mine.”

These beliefs lead to automatic thoughts and behaviours aimed at securing approval and avoiding perceived threats (e.g., conflict, criticism, rejection). Over time, these thought patterns become ingrained and self-reinforcing.

Signs You Might Be a People-Pleaser

• You feel guilty for setting boundaries.

• You rarely express your true opinions.

• You struggle with saying “no”, even when overwhelmed.

• You seek validation or reassurance frequently.

• You worry excessively about what others think of you.

  
  

Breaking Free: A Path to Authenticity

Overcoming people-pleasing doesn’t mean becoming selfish or cold. It means learning to honour your own needs, feelings, and values. Here’s how you can begin:

1. Identify Your Patterns

Start journalling or reflecting on situations where you feel compelled to please. What do you fear might happen if you didn’t? Whose approval are you really seeking?

2. Challenge Unhelpful Beliefs (CBT in Action)

Ask yourself:

• Is it really true that people won’t like me if I say no?

• What’s the worst that could happen—and could I handle it?

• What evidence do I have that I must please everyone?

Use CBT techniques like thought records to reframe these beliefs.

3. Reconnect With Your Needs

When you're focused on others, you often lose sight of your own desires. Try asking yourself: What do I want right now? This simple question can begin to reconnect you with your own identity.

4. Set Boundaries Gradually

Start small. Practice saying “no” or expressing disagreement in low-stakes situations. Notice how people react—and more importantly, how it feels to honour your truth.

5. Understand and Heal Your Attachment Style

Therapy can help you understand how your attachment style shapes your relationships. Through this work, you can begin to feel safe being your authentic self, rather than living in fear of rejection or abandonment.

Final Thoughts

People-pleasing is not a flaw; it’s a coping mechanism rooted in past experiences and fears. But it’s also a pattern that can be unlearned. By understanding where it comes from and working with tools from CBT and Attachment Theory, you can begin to shift from appeasement to authenticity—creating deeper, more balanced relationships along the way.

If this resonated with you, consider speaking to a therapist trained in CBT or Attachment-focused work. You deserve relationships where you can show up fully—without shrinking yourself to keep the peace.