Setting Boundaries: A Key to Healthy Relationships and Wellbeing

Boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy, balanced relationships and preserving our emotional wellbeing. Yet, many of us find it challenging to establish and uphold them, especially when past attachment patterns come into play. In this post, we’ll explore what boundaries are, how they’re shaped by attachment theory, and why they’re so important.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves in relationships and interactions with others. They help define what we’re comfortable with, what we’re willing to tolerate, and how we expect to be treated. Boundaries can be physical (like personal space), emotional (like how much we’re willing to share), or even digital (like when and how we’re available online).

Setting clear boundaries allows us to protect our emotional energy and ensure our needs are met. But why can it feel so difficult?

Attachment theory: The missing piece

Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, explains how our early relationships with caregivers shape our patterns of relating to others later in life. The four main attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganised—can deeply influence our comfort with setting boundaries.

• Secure attachment: Those with secure attachment generally find it easier to set and respect boundaries. They’re comfortable expressing their needs and trusting that others will respect them.

• Anxious attachment: People with an anxious attachment style may fear that setting boundaries will lead to rejection or abandonment. They might struggle to assert themselves or feel guilty for doing so.

• Avoidant attachment: Avoidantly attached individuals often lean towards rigid or overly strict boundaries as a way to maintain emotional distance. They might find it difficult to let others in or share their vulnerability.

• Disorganised attachment: Those with a disorganised style may swing between anxious and avoidant patterns, making boundary-setting especially confusing or inconsistent.

Understanding our attachment style can help explain why we find boundary-setting hard—and how to begin shifting towards healthier patterns.

How to set boundaries effectively

1. Tune into your needs: Take time to reflect on what you need in different areas of your life—whether that’s time alone, emotional support, or limits around work.

2. Communicate clearly: Express your boundaries in a calm, assertive way. Use “I” statements (e.g., “I need time to recharge after work”) to keep the focus on your needs.

3. Start small: If you’re not used to setting boundaries, start with something simple, like declining a social invitation when you need rest.

4. Be consistent: Boundaries work best when they’re maintained consistently. Others may test them, but it’s important to uphold them.

5. Be kind to yourself: Setting boundaries is a skill that takes practice, especially if your attachment style has made it challenging. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable or to need to adjust along the way.

Final thoughts

Setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s a crucial part of building healthy relationships and feeling safe and valued. By recognising how our attachment style affects our comfort with boundaries, we can begin to untangle old patterns and create healthier dynamics in our lives.

Have you noticed how your attachment style influences your boundaries? Let me know in the comments below—we’d love to hear your thoughts!

Recommended Reading

Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure?

How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love

by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Get a copy HERE.