Understanding Regulation in Children: Why It Matters and How to Support It

When we talk about “regulation” in children, we are referring to their ability to manage emotions, behaviour, and energy levels in a way that is appropriate for the situation. Regulation is a core life skill, forming the foundation for learning, relationships, and wellbeing. But it doesn’t appear overnight – it develops gradually and needs consistent support from the adults in a child’s life.

What Is Regulation?

At its simplest, regulation means being able to keep one’s emotional and physical state within a manageable range. For a child, this might mean calming down after an argument with a friend, focusing on a task despite distractions, or knowing when they need to take a break if they are tired.

There are two key types of regulation:

1. Self-regulation – the ability to control one’s own reactions and impulses without constant outside help.

2. Co-regulation – when an adult or more capable peer helps the child regulate, through guidance, modelling, or calming support.

Before self-regulation becomes strong, children rely heavily on co-regulation. This process is deeply connected to attachment theory. Secure attachment – where a child trusts that their caregiver will meet their needs consistently – creates the emotional safety necessary for regulation skills to develop. Insecure attachment, by contrast, can make it harder for a child to trust others enough to accept co-regulation, or to feel confident managing emotions alone.

Why Is Regulation Important?

Regulation is crucial for:

• Learning – A regulated child can pay attention, remember instructions, and persevere through challenges.

• Relationships – Children who can manage their emotions find it easier to interact positively with others.

• Mental health – Difficulty regulating emotions can contribute to anxiety, low mood, or behavioural challenges.

• Physical health – Stress responses that are frequently triggered and not managed can affect sleep, digestion, and overall wellbeing.

How Regulation Develops

A newborn has virtually no capacity to regulate themselves. They cry when they are uncomfortable or need something, and depend entirely on caregivers to respond. These early interactions form the attachment bond, shaping the child’s expectations of relationships and their own capacity for self-soothing.

As the brain develops, especially the prefrontal cortex (the area involved in decision-making and impulse control), children gradually gain more control over their feelings and behaviour. By three or four, a child may use simple strategies such as deep breathing or comfort from a favourite toy. In school-age years, regulation skills become more sophisticated, but even older children and teenagers can struggle – particularly when tired, hungry, or stressed.

DBT and Regulation Skills

While DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) was originally developed for adults, its principles are increasingly adapted for young people. DBT skills groups for children often focus on:

• Mindfulness – noticing thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations without judgment.

• Distress tolerance – strategies for coping with intense emotions without making the situation worse.

• Emotional regulation – understanding emotions and learning healthy ways to influence them.

• Interpersonal effectiveness – managing relationships and setting boundaries while maintaining self-respect.

These skills complement the attachment-based approach to regulation: secure, responsive relationships provide the “safe base,” and DBT offers practical tools children can use when that safe base is not immediately available.

Factors That Influence Regulation

• Temperament – Some children are naturally more adaptable and calm, while others are more reactive.

• Environment – Consistency, clear boundaries, and a predictable routine help children feel secure.

• Relationships – Warm, responsive connections with caregivers build trust and resilience.

• Stress and trauma – Prolonged stress or difficult life experiences can disrupt the development of regulation skills, sometimes requiring targeted therapeutic support.

How to Support Regulation in Children

1. Model calm behaviour – Children learn far more from what we do than what we say.

2. Acknowledge feelings – Naming emotions (“I can see you’re feeling frustrated”) helps children understand and manage them.

3. Teach coping strategies – Breathing exercises, movement breaks, or a quiet corner can make a big difference.

4. Use DBT-informed tools – For example, “STOP” skills (Stop, Take a step back, Observe, Proceed mindfully) or grounding techniques can help in moments of distress.

5. Create a supportive environment – Minimise unnecessary stress and maintain predictable routines.

6. Provide co-regulation – Offer steady presence, guidance, and reassurance when emotions run high.

7. Strengthen attachment – Prioritise consistent, responsive care so children feel safe to express themselves.

The Long-Term View

Regulation isn’t a skill that’s “finished” by a certain age – even adults have moments when emotions run away with them. For children, it’s a developmental journey shaped by brain maturity, life experiences, and the support they receive. Secure attachment gives the foundation, and approaches like DBT give practical strategies. Together, they equip children with the emotional toolkit to thrive well into adulthood.