When Does “Checking In” Become Control? Recognising Digital Abuse in Relationships

Technology has become part of almost every area of our lives, including our relationships.

We might share our location with a partner so they know when we're getting home. We might know each other's phone passwords, tag each other in social media posts, or send a quick message asking, “Where are you?”

These things aren't automatically unhealthy or abusive. In a trusting relationship, sharing information can feel natural, reassuring and completely voluntary. But what happens when “checking in” stops feeling like a choice?

When sharing your location becomes an expectation? When someone demands access to your phone? When you feel anxious about what might happen if you don't respond quickly enough? This is where it can be helpful to think about consent, choice, fear and control.

What is technology-facilitated abuse?

Technology-facilitated abuse is when technology is used to monitor, intimidate, harass, threaten or control someone. UK government guidance recognises that controlling or coercive behaviour can take place through technology and the internet. Examples can include monitoring someone's phone or social media, demanding passwords, using location tracking, accessing accounts without permission, or using smart devices to monitor someone.

Technology can make controlling behaviour particularly difficult to escape because it can happen anywhere – not just when you're physically with the person. An abusive partner or ex-partner may be able to continue monitoring or contacting someone from a distance, sometimes creating the feeling that they are never truly alone.

Location sharing isn't necessarily the problem

Location sharing is a good example of why context matters. Two people might mutually choose to share their locations because it makes life easier. Perhaps you're meeting after work, travelling somewhere separately, or simply like knowing when the other person has arrived home.

The important question isn't simply:

“Do you share your location?”

It might be more useful to ask:

“Do you feel free to choose whether you share it?”

There is a significant difference between:

“Would you like to share your location so we know when we've both arrived safely?”

and:

“If you have nothing to hide, you'll share your location with me.”

One involves choice. The other introduces suspicion, pressure and consequences.

If saying “no” leads to arguments, accusations, threats, punishment, withdrawal of affection or fear, the issue is no longer simply about location sharing.

Signs that digital behaviour may be becoming controlling

Technology-facilitated abuse can take many different forms. You might notice:

• Your partner expects you to reply immediately and becomes angry if you don't.

• You are expected to explain where you are, who you're with and what you're doing.

• You feel pressured to share your location at all times.

• Someone demands access to your phone or private messages.

• You are expected to provide passwords to your accounts.

• Your social media activity is constantly questioned or monitored.

• Someone checks who you follow, like or communicate with.

• An ex-partner continues to monitor your online activity or whereabouts.

• You receive repeated messages or calls when you're with friends, at work or away from home.

• You feel you have to prove where you've been or who you've been with.

• You change your behaviour because you're worried about how someone will react to what they see online.

• Technology is used to threaten, embarrass, intimidate or isolate you.

The UK National Cyber Security Centre also recognises technology-facilitated domestic abuse as including the monitoring of emails, social media, internet activity and smart devices.

It's often about what happens when you say no

One of the most important questions to consider is:

What happens when you don't do what the other person wants? Healthy relationships allow for privacy and boundaries. You can spend time with friends without providing a running commentary. You can have conversations that are private. You can put your phone down. You can decide not to share your location. You can have passwords that belong to you.

You might choose to share these things with a partner – and that's completely different from feeling that you have to.

If you are frightened of saying no because you don't know what will happen afterwards, that is worth paying attention to.

When monitoring creates hypervigilance

Living with constant digital monitoring can affect how safe you feel in your own life.

You might find yourself checking your phone repeatedly. You may worry about how long it has been since you last replied. You might rehearse explanations for where you've been or avoid doing things because you know they could lead to questions. Over time, you may begin monitoring yourself. You might think:

“I'd better not post that.”

“I need to reply before they get angry.”

“I can't go there because they'll see my location.”

“I'd better tell them exactly who I'm with.”

This constant awareness of another person's potential reaction can contribute to anxiety and hypervigilance, feeling as though you always need to be alert to what might happen next.

Technology hasn't necessarily created the control. Sometimes, it simply gives an existing pattern of controlling behaviour another way to operate.

Control can continue after a relationship ends

Digital abuse isn't necessarily limited to current relationships. An ex-partner may continue contacting you, monitoring your social media, attempting to access accounts, tracking your location or using technology to find out information about your life.

This can make separation particularly difficult. Blocking someone on one platform may not necessarily stop unwanted contact or monitoring elsewhere.

Refuge highlights that technology can be used by perpetrators to stalk, harass and control women, including through location tracking, account access and monitoring of devices.

What does a healthy digital relationship look like?

There isn't one “right” way for couples to use technology. Some couples share locations. Some don't. Some couples know each other's passwords. Others prefer to keep their accounts private. The important thing is that there is choice.

A healthy relationship should allow you to say:

• “I'd rather not share my location.”

• “I need some privacy.”

• “I'll reply when I can.”

• “That's my personal account.”

• “I don't want you reading that conversation.”

Without fear of punishment, intimidation or retaliation.

Trust doesn't require constant surveillance.

If this feels familiar

If you recognise some of these experiences in your own relationship, you don't have to wait until you can confidently label what is happening before seeking support. You might start by talking to someone you trust or speaking to a professional who can help you explore what you're experiencing.

If technology is being used to monitor or control you, be mindful that changing passwords, turning off location sharing or confronting the person about their behaviour can sometimes increase risk. If you're concerned about your safety, consider getting specialist advice about making changes safely.

You deserve to have relationships where you can feel connected without feeling watched.

And you deserve privacy, autonomy and the freedom to make choices about your own life.

Support

If you are experiencing domestic abuse or technology-facilitated abuse, specialist organisations can provide confidential advice and support. Refuge's National Domestic Abuse Helpline is available on 0808 2000 247. If you are in immediate danger, call 999.

At The Wellbeing Therapy Hut, counselling can also provide a confidential space to explore relationships, boundaries, anxiety and the impact that controlling behaviour may be having on you. You don't have to work it all out on your own.