Christmas Expectations, Pressure and the Myth of the “Perfect” Festive Season

For many people, Christmas is presented as a time of joy, connection and warmth. Advertisements glow with images of perfect families, beautifully decorated homes and effortless happiness. Yet behind the tinsel, Christmas can bring a unique set of emotional pressures. Expectations from ourselves, from others, and from society, often collide with reality, leaving people feeling overwhelmed, disappointed or even isolated.

From a therapeutic perspective, it can be helpful to pause and explore what is really happening for us at this time of year, and how we might care for ourselves more compassionately.

The Weight of Expectations

Christmas expectations tend to be layered. There may be expectations to feel happy, to be generous, to host or attend social gatherings, to manage finances well, to keep traditions alive, and to ensure everyone else has a “good” Christmas. For some, there are also expectations tied to family roles, unresolved relationships, grief, or memories of previous Christmases.

When these expectations are rigid or unrealistic, they can create a sense of failure or pressure. If Christmas doesn’t look or feel the way we believe it “should”, we may blame ourselves or feel that something is wrong with us.

This is where therapeutic frameworks can offer understanding and relief.

A PCT Perspective: What Are You Trying to Control?

Perceptual Control Theory (PCT) suggests that we are constantly trying to keep our experiences aligned with our internal reference points – in other words, how we think things should be. Distress arises when there is a persistent mismatch between what we want to experience and what is actually happening.

At Christmas, reference points can become particularly strong: “Everyone should get along,” “I should feel grateful,” “This should be a special time.” When reality doesn’t match these internal standards, tension builds.

From a PCT viewpoint, it can be helpful to gently explore:

• What expectations or “shoulds” am I holding?

• Where did these reference points come from?

• Are they still serving me now?

Rather than trying to force circumstances or emotions to change, PCT encourages curiosity about conflicts between goals – for example, wanting family harmony while also needing emotional safety or rest. Awareness itself can allow new, more flexible ways of responding to emerge.

A CBT Lens: Challenging Unhelpful Thinking

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) highlights the connection between our thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Christmas often brings cognitive distortions to the surface, such as:

• All-or-nothing thinking: “If Christmas isn’t perfect, it’s ruined.”

• Mind-reading: “Everyone will think I’m selfish if I say no.”

• Should statements: “I should be coping better than this.”

These patterns can intensify stress, anxiety or low mood. A CBT-informed approach invites us to notice these thoughts and ask:

• Is this thought fact or interpretation?

• What evidence supports or challenges it?

• What would I say to a friend in this situation?

Replacing harsh or unrealistic thoughts with more balanced ones – such as “It’s okay for Christmas to be ‘good enough’” – can significantly reduce emotional pressure.

Solution Focused Thinking: What’s Already Working?

Solution Focused Therapy shifts attention away from problems and towards strengths, resources and small, achievable changes. At Christmas, this might involve asking:

• What has helped me get through difficult festive periods before?

• Are there moments, however small, that feel manageable or comforting?

• What would a slightly better Christmas look like for me – not a perfect one, just a better one?

Rather than overhauling the entire season, solution focused thinking encourages realistic, compassionate goals. This might be choosing one tradition that genuinely matters to you, or planning a short break from social demands.

Small changes can have a powerful ripple effect.

Self-Care Without the Pressure

Self-care at Christmas is often talked about, but it can become yet another thing to “do properly”. From a therapeutic standpoint, self-care is less about bubble baths and more about permission – permission to rest, to say no, to simplify, and to honour your emotional needs.

Self-care might look like:

• Setting clear boundaries around time, money or energy

• Allowing space for grief or mixed emotions

• Reducing exposure to triggering situations or social media

• Creating quiet moments of grounding or reflection

Importantly, self-care is not selfish. It supports your ability to cope and to show up in ways that are sustainable for you.

Embracing Realistic Expectations

A more realistic approach to Christmas acknowledges that it can be meaningful and messy, joyful and tiring. Letting go of the idea that Christmas has to meet a particular standard can be deeply freeing.

From a therapeutic perspective, the invitation is to ask:

• What do I actually need this Christmas?

• What am I willing to let go of?

• What would “enough” look like?

By aligning expectations more closely with reality, and with who you are right now, Christmas can become less about performance and more about presence.

A Gentle Closing Thought

If Christmas feels hard, you are not alone – and there is nothing wrong with you. Pressure thrives in silence and comparison, but understanding and compassion can soften its grip.

Whether through noticing internal conflicts (PCT), challenging unhelpful thoughts (CBT), or focusing on small, workable changes (Solution Focused), there are many ways to approach this season with kindness and realism.

This Christmas, perhaps the greatest gift you can give yourself is permission to be human.