You Can Grieve Someone You Never Got to Meet: Understanding Pregnancy and Baby Loss
Content warning: This article discusses miscarriage, stillbirth, pregnancy loss, fertility struggles and bereavement. Please read at your own pace and take a break if you need to.
There are some losses that the world doesn't always know how to acknowledge. The loss of a pregnancy, a baby who dies before or shortly after birth, or the hope of becoming a parent can be deeply painful experiences. Yet the grief that follows is not always recognised, understood or given the space it deserves.
You may be grieving a baby you never got to bring home, a future you had already begun to imagine, or the possibility of a family you had hoped to create. You may be mourning privately, carrying on with everyday life while feeling that something fundamental has changed.
And you may find yourself wondering whether you are allowed to feel this much pain.
The answer is yes.
During Baby Loss Awareness Week, 9th –15th October, we want to acknowledge everyone affected by pregnancy and baby loss, recognise the many different ways grief can show up, and remind you that you do not have to navigate it alone.
Why is pregnancy and baby loss grief sometimes misunderstood?
Grief is often associated with the death of someone we knew, loved and spent time with. But when a pregnancy ends or a baby dies, the loss can include not only the baby, but also the hopes, plans and future that were beginning to take shape. Perhaps you had chosen a name, imagined their personality or pictured what life would look like when they arrived. Maybe you had only just discovered you were pregnant and were still processing what it meant. You might have been trying to conceive for years, or have experienced repeated miscarriages or unsuccessful fertility treatment.
Whatever your circumstances, your feelings are not measured by how long a pregnancy lasted, whether you had met your baby, or how much time you had to prepare.
Some people experience what is known as disenfranchised grief. This is grief that isn't fully acknowledged, validated or supported by others or by society.
You might hear comments such as:
“At least it happened early.”
“You can always try again.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“At least you know you can get pregnant.”
“You need to move on.”
Even when these comments are intended to comfort, they can leave someone feeling that their loss is being minimised or that they should be feeling differently. A future pregnancy, if it happens, does not replace the baby you lost. And there is no deadline by which you should be expected to feel better. Sometimes, the hardest part of grief is not only the loss itself, but feeling that you have to keep it to yourself.
Grief after miscarriage, stillbirth and fertility loss
There is no single experience of pregnancy or baby loss. Each person's circumstances, relationships and hopes are different, and so is their grief.
Miscarriage
Miscarriage can bring shock, sadness, anger, confusion and guilt. For some, the loss happens before they have told anyone about the pregnancy, leaving them to grieve without the support they might otherwise have received. You may feel attached to the pregnancy from the very beginning, or your feelings may develop gradually. You might experience a mixture of emotions, including relief alongside sadness, particularly if the pregnancy was complicated or unexpected. None of these responses makes your grief less valid.
Stillbirth or the death of a baby shortly after birth
When a baby dies later in pregnancy, during birth or shortly afterwards, parents may face the devastating reality of losing someone they were preparing to welcome into their family.
There may be memories, photographs, keepsakes and decisions to make at a time when everything feels unreal. Everyday reminders of pregnancy, birth and family life can become painful, and returning home without your baby can be especially difficult.
You may find comfort in talking about your baby, sharing their name and remembering their life. Equally, you may need privacy and quiet. There is no right way to remember or grieve.
Fertility struggles and the loss of a hoped-for future
Grief is not limited to a pregnancy that has ended or a baby who has died. Fertility difficulties, unsuccessful treatment and the realisation that parenthood may not happen as hoped can also involve profound loss.
You might be grieving the experience of pregnancy, the chance to have another child, or the family you had imagined. You may feel isolated when people around you announce pregnancies or celebrate milestones that are painful reminders of your own experience.
You do not have to compare your loss with anyone else's to justify how you feel.
When grief comes with guilt and unanswered questions
One of the most difficult parts of pregnancy and baby loss can be the search for answers.
You might replay events in your mind, wondering whether you did something differently, missed a sign or could somehow have prevented what happened. You may question your body, your decisions or whether you should have recognised something sooner.
Guilt can be particularly painful because it can make an already devastating experience feel like something you are responsible for.
However, feeling guilty does not mean you are to blame. Miscarriages are often caused by developmental or chromosomal factors outside anyone's control. In many cases, there may be no clear explanation for why a loss occurred.
It is understandable to search for reasons when something so painful happens. But you deserve compassion, even when there are unanswered questions. Counselling can offer a space to explore these feelings without judgement, gently examine self-blame and make room for the emotions that may be difficult to share elsewhere.
The aim is not to tell you how to feel or to rush you towards acceptance. It is to help you understand your experience and find ways of living with it that feel manageable.
Why partners may grieve differently
Pregnancy and baby loss can affect both partners, but not always in the same way. One person may need to talk about the baby, revisit memories and express their feelings openly. The other may become quiet, focus on practical tasks or try to carry on as normally as possible.
One partner might feel the loss immediately, while the other's emotions emerge weeks or months later. Sometimes, one person may be trying to support their partner while putting their own grief aside.
These differences can be confusing and painful. You may wonder why your partner seems less affected, or feel hurt when they do not want to talk about what happened. They may feel unsure how to support you, particularly if they are struggling with their own emotions.
Different responses do not necessarily mean that one person cared more than the other. People process distress in different ways, and there is no single way grief should look.
Where possible, try to make space for honest conversations about what each of you needs. You might need to explain that talking helps you feel connected, while your partner may need time before they can find the words.
If you are finding it difficult to understand one another, individual or couples counselling may help you communicate, recognise each other's needs and navigate your grief together.
Importantly, partners, non-birthing parents and other family members are also entitled to support in their own right.
When grief returns: anniversaries, milestones and reminders
Grief is not always constant. You may have days when you feel able to manage everyday life, followed by moments when sadness seems to arrive unexpectedly. Certain dates can be particularly difficult, including the anniversary of the loss, the date you discovered you were pregnant, your baby's due date or the birthday you imagined celebrating.
You may also find yourself affected by pregnancy announcements, baby showers, children's birthdays or simply walking past a familiar place. These moments can bring feelings you thought you had already worked through. That does not mean you are going backwards.
Grief often changes over time rather than disappearing completely. You may find that particular reminders become easier to manage, while others continue to bring sadness.
If an anniversary is approaching, consider what might help you feel supported. You could plan a quiet day, light a candle, visit a meaningful place, write a letter to your baby or spend time with someone who understands.
You are also allowed to do nothing at all. You do not need to mark an anniversary in a particular way, explain your feelings to everyone or be strong for other people. Give yourself permission to acknowledge what the day means to you.
How to support someone who has experienced baby loss
If someone you care about has experienced pregnancy or baby loss, you may worry about saying the wrong thing. You cannot take away their pain, but you can help them feel less alone.
A few simple things can make a difference:
Acknowledge their loss. A simple “I'm so sorry” can mean more than trying to find the perfect words.
Listen without trying to fix things. They may need space to talk, cry, be angry or sit quietly with someone who cares.
Avoid comparisons or reassurances. Comments about trying again, looking on the bright side or how common miscarriage is can unintentionally minimise their experience.
Remember important dates. A message around a due date or anniversary can show that their baby and their grief have not been forgotten.
Keep offering support. People may receive a lot of attention immediately after a loss, only for that support to fade as others return to everyday life. Checking in weeks or months later can be meaningful.
Let them lead. Some people want to talk openly about their baby, while others prefer privacy. Ask what feels right for them.
You do not need to have experienced the same loss to offer compassion. Often, the most helpful thing you can do is show someone that their feelings are welcome and that they do not have to hide their grief around you.
Baby Loss Awareness Week and the Wave of Light
Baby Loss Awareness Week provides an opportunity to break the silence around pregnancy and baby loss, remember babies who have died and help more people understand the support available.
In research published by Sands at the start of Baby Loss Awareness Week 2026, just 28% of UK adults surveyed knew that 13 babies die shortly before, during or soon after birth each day. Only 35% knew that around one in six pregnancies ends in miscarriage. These findings highlight why awareness, understanding and compassionate conversations remain so important. Source: Sands, 9 October 2026.
The week concludes with the Wave of Light on 15th October. At 7pm local time, people around the world are invited to light a candle for one hour in remembrance of babies who have died and pregnancies that have been lost.
You can take part privately at home or share a photograph of your candle using #WaveOfLight to join others in remembrance. Whether you choose to light a candle, share your story, attend an event or simply take a quiet moment to reflect, there is no right or wrong way to participate.
For some, the week brings comfort and connection. For others, it may bring difficult feelings to the surface. If you are affected by baby loss, you do not have to take part in any activity that does not feel right for you.
Finding support after pregnancy or baby loss
There is no correct timeline for grief, and you do not need to reach a particular point before asking for help. You might find support through a trusted friend, your GP, a specialist bereavement service or a support group with people who understand what you have experienced.
Counselling can also provide a confidential space to explore grief, guilt, anxiety, relationship difficulties and the impact of loss on your sense of self and your future. You do not have to know exactly what you want to talk about before you begin. At The Wellbeing Therapy Hut, we recognise that everyone's experience is different. Some people may want short-term support to navigate a particularly difficult period, while others may benefit from longer-term counselling as they make sense of their loss.
You do not have to be struggling every day for your feelings to matter. And you do not have to face everything alone. If you feel ready to explore counselling, we can arrange an assessment to help us understand your needs and find a suitable counsellor. We offer affordable counselling in Epsom, Kingston and Worcester Park, as well as online across the UK.
A final thought
If you are grieving a pregnancy or baby, please remember this: your loss matters, your feelings are valid, and you are allowed to grieve the future you imagined as well as the life you lost. You do not need to justify your sadness, compare your experience with someone else's or move forward before you are ready.
There is no right way to grieve, and there is no deadline for remembering.
This Baby Loss Awareness Week, we hold space for every baby who is missed, every family carrying a loss, and everyone learning how to live with a future that looks different from the one they had hoped for.
Comments