The Hidden Emotional Impact of Fertility Struggles

When we talk about grief, we often associate it with losing someone we love. But grief doesn't always follow a bereavement. Sometimes, we grieve something that never happened: a future we imagined, a family we hoped to have, or a life that suddenly looks very different from the one we had planned.

Recent comments from actor Greg Wise have brought this less recognised experience into the spotlight. Speaking candidly about his and his wife Emma Thompson's experience of IVF, Wise described the emotional impact of unsuccessful fertility treatment, the grief they experienced and how it affected their relationship and sense of identity.

In an interview with The Guardian on 25 October 2026, Wise reflected on the experience of undergoing repeated IVF cycles in the hope of having another child. He spoke about the shame, helplessness and emotional isolation he experienced, as well as how therapy eventually helped him understand and process his grief.

His account highlights something that many people experiencing fertility difficulties will recognise: the emotional impact can be enormous, even when the loss isn't always visible or understood by others.

Fertility struggles and the grief nobody sees

Infertility can involve a particular kind of grief. It isn't necessarily about losing a person who has been part of your life, but about losing the possibility of something you had imagined so clearly.

You might have pictured yourself becoming a parent, having another child, or watching your family grow. You may have imagined pregnancy announcements, birthdays, family holidays and all the little moments that come with raising children.

When conception doesn't happen as expected, or fertility treatment is unsuccessful, it can feel as though that imagined future is slipping away.

This is sometimes described as disenfranchised grief – grief that isn't always recognised, acknowledged or supported by society. Because there may not be a tangible loss that others can see, people can feel they don't have permission to grieve.

Comments such as "At least you already have a child", "Just relax and it will happen" or "You can always try again" may be intended to offer comfort, but they can unintentionally minimise someone's experience.

For someone going through fertility difficulties, each new month, appointment, test or unsuccessful treatment cycle can bring another wave of disappointment.

And even when there is hope of trying again, that doesn't mean the previous disappointment simply disappears. You can feel hopeful about the future while grieving what hasn't happened in the past.

When fertility struggles affect your identity

For many people, fertility difficulties can challenge how they see themselves.

There can be an assumption, sometimes deeply rooted in our upbringing or cultural expectations, that becoming a parent is a natural part of adulthood. When that doesn't happen as expected, it can leave people questioning their bodies, their identity and even their sense of worth.

Women may experience feelings of guilt, inadequacy or frustration, particularly when they feel their bodies aren't doing what they expected them to do. Fertility treatment can also be physically demanding, with hormones, medication, scans and procedures becoming a significant part of everyday life.

Men can experience similar feelings, although they may find it harder to express them.

In his interview, Greg Wise spoke about feeling emasculated by the experience and questioning his own identity as a man. He described feeling that his role was to support his partner, rather than acknowledge his own emotional pain.

This highlights an important issue: fertility struggles affect both partners, even when the physical experience of treatment is very different. There can be a tendency for one partner to feel that their emotions are less important because they aren't undergoing the physical procedures. They may feel they need to remain strong, practical or positive to support the person going through treatment. But being the supporting partner doesn't mean you aren't grieving too.

When couples grieve differently

Fertility struggles can put considerable pressure on relationships. Both partners may want the same outcome, but that doesn't mean they will experience the journey in the same way.

One person might want to talk about every appointment, feeling and possible outcome, while the other prefers to focus on practical decisions and take things one step at a time.

One might want to keep trying, while the other feels emotionally or physically exhausted.

One partner may find comfort in researching treatment options and looking for solutions, while the other needs time to process disappointment.

Neither response is necessarily wrong. People cope with difficult experiences differently, and these differences can become more noticeable when emotions are already heightened.

The difficulty comes when those differences are misunderstood. A partner who becomes quiet might be perceived as distant or uninterested, when they are actually struggling to find the words to explain how they feel. Someone who wants to keep talking might be seen as dwelling on the situation, when they are simply trying to feel heard and supported.

Over time, couples can begin to feel isolated from one another, even when they are facing the same experience.

Creating opportunities to talk openly, without judgement or pressure to find solutions, can help couples understand each other's needs. Sometimes, the most helpful thing you can say isn't a reassuring statement or a suggestion about what to do next. It's simply: "I know this is difficult, and I'm here with you."

The impact on men's emotional wellbeing

One of the particularly important aspects of Greg Wise's account is his discussion of men's mental health and the expectations placed on men to remain strong. For many men, vulnerability can feel uncomfortable, particularly if they have grown up believing that being a good partner or father means being dependable, protective and emotionally resilient.

When fertility difficulties arise, they may feel they need to put their own feelings aside to support their partner.

There can also be feelings of shame, embarrassment or inadequacy, particularly when fertility investigations identify male-factor infertility. Some men may struggle with the idea of discussing their feelings with friends or family, fearing that they won't be understood or that they should simply get on with things. But grief isn't gender-specific, and there is no correct way to experience it.

Men deserve space to acknowledge disappointment, fear, anger and sadness without feeling that doing so makes them any less supportive, capable or masculine. Seeking emotional support isn't a sign of weakness. It can be an important step towards understanding what you're experiencing and finding healthier ways to cope.

When hope becomes emotionally exhausting

Fertility treatment can involve an ongoing cycle of anticipation and disappointment.

There may be excitement before a treatment cycle, anxiety while waiting for results, hope following a positive development and then heartbreak if things don't go as planned.

This uncertainty can be exhausting.

It can affect sleep, concentration, work, relationships and the ability to enjoy everyday life. People may find themselves constantly thinking about dates, appointments, medication schedules or what might happen next.

There can also be pressure to remain positive throughout treatment, particularly when friends and family are encouraging you to keep hoping. But you don't have to feel positive all the time. You can be grateful for the medical options available to you and still find the process incredibly difficult. You can want to continue treatment and simultaneously feel frightened about another disappointment. And if you reach a point where you decide to stop treatment, that decision can bring its own complicated emotions.

Choosing to stop doesn't necessarily mean you've stopped wanting a child. It may simply mean recognising your emotional, physical or financial limits. There is no universal right decision, and nobody else can determine what that choice should look like for you.

How can therapy help with fertility-related grief?

Greg Wise also spoke about how therapy helped him understand his grief and the different ways he and Emma were processing their experiences. Importantly, he discussed discovering that the first therapeutic approach he tried wasn't the right fit for him. He eventually found a more practical, structured approach that suited the way he preferred to explore his thoughts and feelings. This is a useful reminder that therapy isn't one-size-fits-all.

Some people find it helpful to have a space to talk freely about their emotions, while others prefer a more structured approach, exploring thought patterns, behaviours and practical coping strategies.

Depending on your individual circumstances, therapy may help you:

• Process feelings of loss: Explore the grief associated with unsuccessful treatment, infertility or an imagined future that may no longer be possible.

• Manage anxiety and uncertainty: Develop ways to cope with the emotional highs and lows of treatment and the waiting periods that accompany it.

• Explore identity and self-worth: Challenge feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy and recognise that fertility difficulties do not define your value as a person.

• Improve communication: Understand different coping styles and find ways to communicate your feelings and needs within your relationship.

• Navigate difficult decisions: Explore the emotional impact of continuing treatment, taking a break or deciding that treatment has come to an end.

• Reconnect with yourself: Find ways to make space for your own needs, interests and identity beyond fertility treatment.

Couples counselling can also provide a supportive environment where both partners can explore their experiences together, particularly if they are finding it difficult to communicate or feel emotionally disconnected. You don't necessarily need to attend therapy as a couple, either. Individual counselling can offer an opportunity to explore your own feelings without worrying about how your partner might respond. And if one therapeutic approach doesn't feel right, it doesn't mean therapy isn't for you. Finding an approach and a counsellor that you feel comfortable with can make a significant difference.

You don't have to justify your grief

Perhaps one of the most important messages from Greg Wise's experience is that grief needs to be acknowledged rather than pushed aside. Fertility struggles can be incredibly lonely, particularly when those around you don't understand the emotional complexity of what you're experiencing.

You might feel uncomfortable talking about it because you don't want to upset others, you don't want to appear ungrateful for the family you already have, or you simply don't know how to explain something that feels so personal. But you don't have to justify your feelings.

You can grieve the possibility of another child while loving the children you already have. You can feel happy for a friend who announces a pregnancy while privately struggling with your own fertility journey. You can be hopeful one day and completely heartbroken the next.

Two seemingly contradictory emotions can exist at the same time.

There is no timeline for processing fertility-related grief, and there is no requirement to move on simply because treatment has finished or time has passed. Sometimes, the first step towards feeling better is allowing yourself to acknowledge that something has been difficult.

At The Wellbeing Therapy Hut, we understand that emotional wellbeing is shaped by many different experiences, including those that others may not always see. If fertility struggles, IVF, pregnancy loss or relationship difficulties are affecting your mental health, talking to someone can give you the space to explore those feelings without judgement.

You don't have to wait until you reach breaking point to seek support, and you don't have to navigate everything alone.

We offer affordable and accessible counselling in Epsom, Kingston and Worcester Park, as well as online across the UK. Sometimes, the future doesn't look the way we imagined. But that doesn't mean we have to face the feelings that come with it alone.

If you would like to explore counselling, you can find out more about our services and arrange an initial assessment through The Wellbeing Therapy Hut.